Letters to Xiao Qiqi

Qiqi, Mommy is not well. Daddy said this is the best life I could get. I agreed. You are so wonderful. Daddy and Laolao are so wonderful. We live in a beautiful house in a beautiful community. Mommy got a new gig at the most luxurious office right after my maternity leave. What else do I need? Mommy needs sleep badly. Mommy has suffered insomnia for the past month. It started with sleep deprivation and fragmentation (very typical for any new moms). As mommy is getting ready to return to work, mommy lost sleep for a few days. From that point, it has been a downward spiral and eventually turns into a wreck. I was depressed, anxious and obsessed. I became mentally ill. I didn't want to tell anyone at first. I feel ashamed and incapable. Till one day I collapsed. I knew I need support and help. I went to urgent care for sleeping pills. I realized I need to change my approach. I first admitted that there's something wrong with me and I'm actually fighting a medical conditi...

Qiqi, Mommy feels terribly guilty with the thought of potential another child in our family.  I feel awful as if I'm such a greedy person. You are already the biggest miracle for me. You are the best thing that happens to me. You are the biggest blessing from GOD. How can I ask more? When I look at you, I'm worried that you will be alone after mommy and daddy pass away. We want to be with you forever and yet we are on the old side as a parent to a newborn. I'm worried that you will be lonely without any siblings. I'm worried that you have no interest in what you will inherit from us. The thought of second child popped up. It's crazy, I know. But I have to explore it. I really don't have many options given my age. Having you is already a big miracle. I have to admit it: I've dwelled  on it for a while. I have to think about: 1. The possibility 2. The stress 3. The time commitment 4. The risks 5. The changes of life style 6. The strain on fami...

Qiqi, Mommy and daddy had joked about the potential "mix-up" at the IVF clinic. By now, you've already known that you are an IVF baby. IVF has become so common these days. Two of your cousins were born via IVF in the same year. Dr. Lin is our IVF doctor. He's a wizard. He must have put some magic sauce to make you for us. You are mine. I can't imagine my life without you. You are so beautiful. There aren't many resemblances in our physical appearances. When mommy looked into DNA test, I realized the paternity test is such a simple home test. We decided to give it a shot. Qiqi, you are our son no matter what. What a DNA test tells is if your genes match with ours. It doesn't tell what a powerful bond we've built over the time. You are such a beautiful and wonderful baby. I'm honored to be your mother. Please let me love you and be with you forever.

Qiqi, Mommy has been thinking what type of parent I want to be? What type of relationship I want to have with you-my son? Daddy and mommy talked about our parenting style. Like all the parents out there, we would love to raise a healthy, smart, mature and successful kid who has a close relationship with his parents. That's ideal, isn't it? We talked about rules and disciplines in our house. How to raise a great kid? rules and disciplines? infuse him with high expectations and pressures? 100% devoted parents who shuttle their kids around for all sorts of lessons? There are a few types of parents out there. Some of them seem to be over the top for us. A kid's best role model is his parents. Mommy believes I need to be whom I want you to be. The foremost to be a parent is to be a good person. You have changed me. The changes started since I was pregnant with you. You changed my focus, my perspectives and temperament. More profoundly, I'm motivated to be the best version of...

Qiqi, Mommy always wanted to breast feed you.  Apart from the health benefits breast milk offers, like all the moms out there, I pictured you are on my breast and the moments of bond. It's so special for you and me. And yet, Mommy did not expect the journey to be so incredibly difficult, confusing and emotional and physical draining. I blamed the misleading information/education out there. I blamed my lack of experience as a first time mother. I blamed my low milk supply. I struggled and regretted. I was obsessed and overwhelmed. Eventually I decided to let it go. It was a very difficult decision. But I know it's a right thing to do for both of us. The breastfeeding class I went to and all the breastfeeding related information out there emphasize the benefits of mothers' breast milk for babies. They, however, fail to inform mothers and would-be-mothers how difficult it can be for most of women.  The experience of breastfeeding is very personal. My milk did not ...

Qiqi, In the morning of December 31, 2019, the new year eve, mommy took auntie, Yiyi and Arya to LAX airport. They were taking an early flight back to Ithaca. When mommy waved at them for good-bye at the airport, mommy had a moment of flash-back- there were many reunions and good-byes with my dear sister. Many of them took place in Ithaca. My sister and my mom would drop me off at Ithaca airport and I returned to California alone. I felt lonely. My mom would worry about me being alone and lonely. Once I flew back on the new year eve. Now I have you and daddy in my life. My life has changed. I love you and daddy so much. When I walked out of the airport, the sun was rising. I took a glimpse of the morning ray. Tomorrow is the new year 2020 and new decade. It will be your first new year. I still remember millennial new year eve. I was in New York but I didn't go to the Time Square. It was too cold and crowded. Two decades have passed. Wow... how many decades we have in ou...

Qiqi, Your life started with a double A fertilized egg , made of the only ONE good egg from mom and a special sperm from daddy. We named you Xiao Qiqi (meaning a little miracle). Mommy had this name in my mind when I found I was miraculously pregnant through IVF. You are a miracle for me. You are truly a blessing from GOD. Mommy was single and alone for many many years before I met daddy. I was 40 when I met daddy. Daddy took mommy out for her 40th birthday. Mommy cried over the dinner and thought I was too old to have kids of my own. Daddy, on the the hand, thought he'd never have kids of his own because he doesn't want to. Mommy always dreamed to have family. I dreamed to have my own children. In those single and lonely days, I manifested a loving family where we hike, bike, travel and read together and mommy would make nutritious and delicious breakfast for my children on Sundays before we are off for any fun activities/events. In those days, I prayed that GOD would give me ...